Careful , Cautious.
Two words.
Anybody who has ever been close to me will tell you that these are two traits which can never be remotely attached with me. I have always been a rebel to the core, someone with a ingenuous penchant for daredevilry. To spice it all, jinxes and jeopardies have never shied away from me, they have been my loyal consorts.
I have always hunted for a
specific one-word to describe myself best, but the search so far has
been elusive. An undefined amalgam , I am, alloyed with motley of
elements, some fine, few incongruous.
"If its still in your mind, its worth the risk".
(Unknown)
Follow Dreams. Not Orders.
(Spotted on Tumblr.)
And the best yet;
"No one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep."
(Somewhere on the Internet.)
I am actually this, wild, unruly kid at heart. Hardly an ideal daughter, my parents wanted....In fact, I have never been anywhere close to perfect, or good or graceful, not even average, or mediocre. Instead I have been perky enough to twist and twirl things to make them work my way. My parents always wanted to raise me to fit into a certain prototype, I , on the other hand, made sure that I would never toe the line........ .I have this uninhibited air about me..stubborn enough to follow my heart, by hook or by crook. And I am patient enough to pursue every grain of it, to perfection.
I spent the first decade of my life falling in love ....over and over again, with words. As a child I spent my mornings gobbling every phrase in the editorial of the newspaper, memorizing all the titbits about discoveries, inventions, oddities, marvels of science, and of nature.. The evenings were devoted to documentaries on Discovery Channel.( I remember having this irresistible fascination of going inside a pyramid and digging up a mummy or a cartouche full of lost, forgotten papyri, bearing hieroglyphics which would point to a secret treasure.)
I kept translating my millesimal thoughts into slick English phrases..it kept me hooked for hours on end.
I have never had a
huge social group, nor did I belong to any girl gang or secret club..I
was always kinda shy , geeky and a loner by choice. Not that I am quiet
and sessile NO, not at all..I am a simmering cauldron..perpetually in
search of another.. ...in the meantime, i gel up well with story books
(..and novels) of all shapes, sizes and genres.
I have this mad, fanatic streak in me...
Things which intrigue me, jeer at me or are too
intricate to be solved,I hound them like a lunatic till I crush them
into morsels to feed my starved brain.
(..that is why I took up psychiatry..cuz there can be no jigsaw as riveting as a human mind)
For me, it has always been indispensable to live on the edge, to have the adrenaline pumping, to know that there's a mystifying avenue to be explored, I have this insatiable appetite to learn..and I have voraciously nibbled every single nugget that has come my way.There has never been a phase in my life when I was content . NEVER.
When I had a string of buddies to hang out with, I longed to do something more meaningful ,more challenging..When I was basking in the glory of academics, I wanted do excel in something more than just academics. And I have been haughty enough try out bizarre , retrograde ideas , or tread onto terra incognita , just to land into troubled waters.
I don't remember being fond of anything simple or easy-to-do....it never excites me enough.When I start playing a new game or solve a new puzzle, I choose the level which says *Hard / Expert*, just because its formidable enough to rack my brains out. Scoring high , huh,is never on my agenda, just like topping my class never is...Its the fascination of a raw challenge that keeps me going. I have had my share of scintillating successes and fulminant failures, but my hunger to learn, to adsorb new challenges , has always kept me grounded.
I don't remember being fond of anything simple or easy-to-do....it never excites me enough.When I start playing a new game or solve a new puzzle, I choose the level which says *Hard / Expert*, just because its formidable enough to rack my brains out. Scoring high , huh,is never on my agenda, just like topping my class never is...Its the fascination of a raw challenge that keeps me going. I have had my share of scintillating successes and fulminant failures, but my hunger to learn, to adsorb new challenges , has always kept me grounded.
I see people around me, merge talent with academic brilliance, For me,the two of 'em are immiscible.Parents, suitors, well wishers, friends..everyone, at some point has pointed out to this void in my life. I have never ever topped any class, mainly, due to lack of a wholehearted effort, and plainly cuz, topping is something I have never wanted to, instinctively.Partly because it doesn't push me to the edge or keep me hooked, partly because I, and only I get to decide when to leave my shabbiness (i.e my laid-back attitude) for better things.
(I have seen my haappy-go-lucky nature quiver whenever I tether it to this rope of discipline or control..and I don't wanna end up as a mashed potato.)
Plus, I have this pressing intuition, that, when the time comes (which roughly translates into - when I feel like ) I will rise to the occasion. Till then , I can keep getting dirty !!! ( read as : keep experimenting, designing, redesigning, emulsifying,welding and repairing my life as I fancy !! ..and deriving my share of undiluted pleasure.)
.....For long, I have been married to the idea that I was created to stay as such..Untamed.
Maybe I was never meant to follow someone's footsteps.That's why God put me thru those rusty phases ..the crucible ..of ruthless struggle ,of madness , of fatal failures , of ire ,of boredom , of passion , of inactivity , of gilded curses , and disguised boons. So that i could learn to adhere to my own ideologies, rather make someone else's my own. And He has,more often than not, incited the rebel in me..When I could no longer walk on, He prodded me to fly ,as the wind beneath my wings. There have been times when I have truly felt that I have been lucky to scrape through with all that recklessness of mine ,but I am glad He has taught me to value my originality...let my creativity take a flight of its own, ignoring all barriers...So that I know that neither times nor destiny, but I have the sole copyright to my life.
P.S.
Only you could have done it, Wyuka. #The Poet And The Programmer. Only you could have made me adamant enough to write this post.The ideology born and bred in my mercurial mind found a Siamese twin in that post of yours . All those quiescent verbose phrases in my mind were kicked alive.(I have tried not to repeat what u have already written, yet somehow sculpt my own version in a dizzied focus)What amazes me is the unbelievable degree of similarity and the flawless picture you have etched, effortlessly. Wish i could write those very words in that post, imbued with the magic of your sheer simplicity.
#Wyuka Knows Best . Period.
